Why don't you be the artist and make me out of clay?
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?
Saturday, June 20, 2009 I'm so tired...
If I just dropped down dead...
I don't think anyone would notice...
the origin.11:09 PM
Friday, June 19, 2009 This may seem a little out of character for me, but after a long heart-to-heart chat with my brother, it seems that there are some things that he didn't get that my sister and I got.
You are not as hopeless as you think you are. You may be confused and upset over everything that's going on around you, but know that this may be what God is trying to test you on. But I won't encourage you on God's terms, because everyone else is doing that, but I'm encouraging you on as a sister, not a fellow Christian. I have watched you grow, from day one, and the past one and a half years has made it difficult for me to see how far you've gotten. Sometimes, I blame myself for not treating you the way I should have. Would you have turned out like this if I hadn't?
I know that it's hard for you to accept a lot of things now, especially since you're always alone at home and I'm not there to take care of you, even if you are 16 years old already. Even though there are worse people out there, I don't care, because you're my brother, and always know that I love you, okay? Even if the rest of the world doesn't seem like they do, I am here for you, okay? You can talk to me anytime you want, even if I'm in school, okay? As your sister, I'm here to reassure you and to spoil you, especially now since you're not feeling as if anyone cares, except the church. I can safely tell you that church can only do so much to help you. Family is more important than that, and I'm feeling upset that you let it feel this way. You can change yourself, but the world can't change for you. You're growing up, and you can't stay the way you are anymore. You're not the only one who feels like this, and I'm sure there is someone else going through a similar trying time. But just because you are 16 doesn't make you an adult, that you can do or say anything you want.
You have been taught better than this, and what you said to me was indeed wrong, but I know you just need an outlet for that anger and hurt. Take a look at yourself, before you judge others. I know you may not like it, but see how your attitude towards other people can affect them. Imagine acting that same way in church. Do you think people will be happy? You can always find superficial love in other people's children, and other people's families. But what about your own? What about us? What about me? You're being very selfish, thinking that your own parents are keeping you from what you want. But do you in all honesty deserve it? Don't let their actions be just a cover up for your own mistakes. Ask yourself, what have you done to deserve an electric guitar? Don't be upset about what I am saying, because I feel that even though, yes, mum and dad may be wrong to a certain extent, but how long can you keep blaming them? Are you saying that they wasted their time on you? Are you saying that they never cared about you when you grew up? Have you given them a chance to speak about how they feel instead of it being about you the whole time? I know you better than that. Do you think they deserve your hot temper if they're trying to help you make it? You may not like it, but everyone has to make sacrifices if they want to do well.
I am not saying this to scold you, nor to reprimand you. After hearing two sides of the story, I can safely say that both sides are to blame. Yes, I will try to defend you as much as I can, but that can only go so far. I cannot guarantee that I'll always be here to help you and help you through any trouble, but know that in the end, you're still my brother, and I have a job as an older sister to reassure you in whatever you do. You're growing older, not younger. I hope that you have the wisdom to choose wisely. In whatever you do, in school, in church, you can't have everything all at once.
You say you can't sit down and study. I think that's just an excuse. I am no different. I'm giving myself excuses to prevent myself from doing what I should be doing. Instead, I'm making myself fall deeper into my own failure. If that's what you think mum and dad have been, think also of yourself and the people who have brought you up. Does that make me as much of a failure? If you feel this way even now, do you think that the church is also failing to teach you what you try so hard to teach others? Then you are the hypocrite. If you still harbor these feelings, no matter how wrong or how regretful they may be, then you are just being hypocritical, not practicing what you teach, not walking the talk. Start small. Don't hope for big things that you think you might be able to achieve. Start with yourself. I'll be frank with you, start with your temperament. Your short temper has affected a lot of people. Your life is then affected, because you've closed off your mind. You refuse to listen to those who are supposed to be closest to you, and you lash back out at them. I say this again, I have to blame both sides, because your actions only fuel the magnitude of others' advice.
Maybe I have been wrong in saying some things to encourage you to talk about others in spite. That should not be the way, no matter how you are feeling. You can't hate someone who has in the end done nothing to you. It is your own screwed up misconception that keeps leading you to think the way you do now. Don't let it rule your judgment of others. I am both disappointed in you and emphatic for you. I wish I could've stayed back to take care of you, even in this time. There may be times where you feel like all we do is hold you back. But would you listen if I told you that I went down the similar route? If I did, would you value my words more than others, those who you seem to think don't understand what's going on in your life? We may not understand fully, but we are here to listen, especially me. You may not always be right, and neither will I, but you have to grow up and accept the facts.
Even if you do not do well, it doesn't mean that we're kicking you out of the house, or disowning you from the family. We may not show it enough, you may have been unhappy with us for not spending enough time with you, but do you think mum would have left to work so early if she had known that you would have trouble now? She has complete confidence in each and every one of us, that we'll all pull through no matter what. We can't keep being angry at each other, this will only turn everyone against you, and I don't think that's what you want in a family. We have to be there for each other all the time, and even if we don't say it at all, our actions can speak for themselves.
As my little brother, you are the youngest in the family, and you have so much ahead of you. Don't let anything slow you down. You may feel lacking in the love a family is supposed to have, but thinking that way also hurts me, as a sister. I feel as if I have not done enough to ensure you that even if we're far apart, you're still my one and only brother, and I love you for it, no matter how many times I forget to show it. Understand that and remember that.
Happy (belated) birthday, and I'll see you when I come home, okay?
Love, Your sister.
the origin.6:57 PM
What they say about me.