Why don't you be the artist and make me out of clay?
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008 I would prefer it if everyone forgot this day, rather than people saying things for the sake of it...
I would prefer it if I was just left alone, rather than wait...
I would prefer it if no one said anything at all, rather than hearing it from people I don't want to hear it from...
I would prefer it if I could spend this day alone, rather than going somewhere I don't want to go...
I would rather be alone, rather than going places with the people I am obliged to go with...
I wish this day was never here...
the origin.5:46 PM
Tuesday, October 14, 2008 Weeks ago, I had this really wonderful but depressing dream... Okay, my dreams are like, totally weird. All of them involve places, but they're like, two placed meshed into one. So it's like, WMS for one, then suddenly I get some really weird place, like out of Final Fantasy or something. Yeah, had that dream once... But this time, it was purely at home, in Malaysia. It may sound really cheesy and all, but the dream was about going back in time, as in, me.
I actually saw everyone in like, the year 1996 or something. More than 10 years ago. It brought about nostalgia, and of course, sadness somehow, 'cause it's like, I went back in time, more than a decade ago, and saw everything as it should have been before everything happened. The same old couch that used to be there, the place where the piano was put, the old black chair. It's like, everything was still there, and everyone was younger. I really couldn't believe what I was dreaming about.
Now that I look back on it, what would I really do if I went back in time? Would it be able to change who I am today? Or would it just turn my future upside down? Would I be the person I am now? Or would I be worse? Better maybe? You'll never know... All these questions will never have answers. I remember speaking to a friend, about questions that I don't want to answer. Most of it being personal, of course. But then he mentioned that every question has its answer. It's just a matter of if I wanted to answer it from the bottom of my heart or not.
He also mentioned alot of insightful stuff, and, no, I haven't forgotten. But the sad thing is, after he said that, it's like, he totally disappeared out of my life. Same with another friend. Yeah, so, it's sad, that people who might have come to be so important to me just up and leave, and walk out of my life, as if I never existed. It's like this switch that just turns their memory off when it comes to me, or something. I'm not cursed to live like this, I'm sure, but it upsets me, that I don't know what's going on, and people aren't telling me what I'm doing wrong.
It really hurts...
the origin.8:11 PM
Sunday, October 12, 2008 This is for those who have made my last few weeks the most miserable I've had.
To group 1:
I thought the lot of you were dependable, and after what happened before, I hoped you would've learned your lesson or something. Obviously, I was wrong. You lazy f***ers made my last few weeks a living hell, having to deal with the mess you all left behind, making me seem like some crazy bitch who doesn't care about other people. Look in the f***ing mirror, hypocrites... It's not right for me to swear, but since I can't do it in front of your faces, and it's not proper, but you all have crossed the line.
There are rules in everything. And most of you idiots have to break them, don't you. I know you would all probably hate me more than you do now, and I probably know why, for blaming you for something you might not have done. This only goes out to the lot who are guilty of what I'm trying to say. And of course, they know it. If I didn't care about what I was doing, I would've left you all a long time ago. Sure, I can excuse a few who have REAL reasons for doing what they need to do. But what reason do you have for breaking rules that have been there since the beginning?
I've mentioned before, and some are starting to get a clue of who I'm talking about. After I say this, it would be damn obvious. Trust is important. It's what makes a team work together. Sure, we've been through this. I've trusted you all, hoping that you might have changed for the better. Again, wrong! You bloody morons broke that trust I had quickly rebuilt, 'cause I hoped and prayed that you wouldn't do it again. Well, turns out you didn't learn! And I learnt my lessons, too. Do you see anything in your inbox? This maybe black and white, to anyone who stumbles across this page. So what, I don't care. Blame me, for being insensitive, cruel, bitchy, and any other negative adjectives you can pin on me. I'm sick and tired of having to do almost everything, constantly worrying, and making sure everything runs smoothly. But you all take it for granted that I'll be there for everything! Anything goes wrong? 'Oh, just tell Denise'. People giving problems and making trouble? 'Oh, let Denise handle them'. When am I supposed to go? 'Ask Denise, she has what you need'. Learn to f***ing read!
You lot have tested my patience long enough. I've tried to make sure I don't repeat the previous episode, but when I can't work with you all, it gets frustrating, 'cause no one is responding. Let's see if you're able to survive one day without me reminding you about everything! Oh, right, you can, I forgot. Yeah, and when something or someone goes missing (you all know what it is), don't come looking for me. You all are big enough to handle stuff like this. I won't even bother. Whoever's to blame, is to blame. I'll have nothing to do with it anymore.
To person 1:
You f***ing, judgemental, presumptuous prick! You have no right to say what you said to me! You have no f***ing idea what the hell is going on with me and the rest. You have no f***ing right to tell me what I've been doing is wrong. You're only listening to one side of the story, and you f***ing ignore what I had to say. You care more about your precious worshippers, 'cause you think you're still at the top, and you think you can make everything alright by trying to placate me with what rubbish you said that day, but let me tell you, YOU HAVE NO F***ING RIGHT TO JUDGE ME FOR WHAT I DID WHEN YOU WEREN'T EVEN IN MY SHOES! You think you know everything, but let me tell you, buddy, what we're doing isn't the same as what you did. It's totally different, and I thought you would've known that. Unfortunately, I found out you didn't.
By assuming I was wrong, you deliberately blamed me, as if I started World War III in school! You bloody f***er, I thought you would understand, but NO! You don't care about what I have to say! You don't care about me! Why? 'Cause it's all against me! You don't want to listen to my side, 'cause everyone's already convinced you that I'm the bad guy! I'm the one ruining what you've started! I'm the one who's destroying everything, from the beginning! How dare you, when you call yourself sensitive and innocent, you are a f***ing hypocrite, just like all the others! You never even asked me to clarify if what they said was true. You never cared to know if it was true. You tell me that I'm doing wrong. Do you let me tell you why? Do you let me have the chance to say what was wrong? Do you even let me speak, of all things? You know the answer.
I've been suffering for 2 weeks, and I'm going to suffer for another two more. You people obviously aren't going to care. So why start now. And for those who're gonna tell me to chill or calm down, that only f***ing irritates me more. So don't even try. Don't blame me for not warning you. I did. Especially someone I know who's so prone to asking me to do so. I'll calm down in time, and it's not for you to f***ing tell me when to calm down.
You bloody irritants have no idea of what you all are doing to me.
You kill me, you know?
Don't ask how.
You always just know how to do it...
the origin.8:44 PM
What they say about me.